30 Ways to Fall

  1. On your 3rd Birthday, Down stairs gran’s stairs, in a dress from a dressing up box, into a radiator : Cracked head, further distance between mother and grandmother, adult realization that grandmother is uninterested in me.
  2. In Love: Obsessive Compulsive behaviour, rose tinted eyesight, loss of peripheral life vision
  3. Out of the sky: Landing
  4. Parents find out about you having sex: fall from innocence, shame and release of childhood
  5. Up stairs by tripping over the bottom step: carpet graze
  6. Over a paving slab: initiate quick ego recovery
  7. On your head as a baby: adult reasoning behind any natural personality faults
  8. Eating apples: the whole world is ruined – you are blamed
  9. Over your ankle: sprain
  10. Off a shelf: broken Baby Jesus model- you are anti-christ, end of catholocism. Or perhaps you think this is the end of your catholocism but its probably not. It ended long before that. You just drew attention to it by smashing the baby jesus of the nativity at a distant Aunt’s house.
  11. Off a shelf: broken priceless vase
  12. Off a shelf: discovery of house party
  13. Off a roof: loud gunshot sound, body in road
  14. Off a roof: You are Sherlock, you are too clever to die.
  15. Off a waterfall: You are moriaty , in the books
  16. Into a bad crowd: drinking and smoking and fun things
  17. Into a trap: you are surrounded, there is no way out
  18. Into a bear trap: your foot is stuck and its bleeding quite a lot and youre screaming and looking down at it and you’ve watched too many horror movies to think that there is any other result than death/torture by monster/serial killer/mutant/ hill billy
  19. From the top of the Table : you are Manchester united. Not so smug now.
  20. Falling down a rabbit hole : there are rabbit here and they are not nice, they have mistamatosis and will probably die soon. You’re not brave enough to put them out of their misery, you didn’t grow up on a farm, these don’t look like the ones in your friend’s garden called snowy and chocolate
  21. Falling from a tree: you shouldn’t have been up there in the first place
  22. Falling from office: you probably shouldn’t have been up there in the first place
  23. Fall of an empire : you shouldn’t have been up there in the first place
  24. A clock falls from the wall : time doesn’t stop
  25. Fall : Autumn, Alumininum: Aluminium, Mail : Post, Eggplant : aubergine, Color: Colour – My computer thinks I’m wrong but I know I’m right.
  26. Waterfall: its colder than you imagined, and you don’t look like those sxy tanned girls who have traveled the world and say namaste instead of thanks. You don’t really want to be them but you imagined this would be what it was like if you were to stand beneath a waterfall in a hot climate in a bikini. But you are fully clothed. And this is a shower. In England. And you are going mad because you’re in a shower in all your clothes. And you look like a drowned rat and you are cold and the water is running down the inside of your leg and you don’t yet know if its pee or not but if it is you don’t know if you’ll care because people probably wont notice that. They’ll probably notice your mascara panda eyes and your soaking wet clothes and the way your hair looks like you’ve washed it in cooking fat. And someone will notice the large puddle on the bathroom floor. And you will probably notice that you can’t wash away how you feel. And you are not one of those girls that wears bikinis on their gap year under waterfalls with their beautiful tanned bodies and their beautiful tanned boyfriends and money to buy plane tickets to hot foreign lands where they can stand under waterfalls and be in love and be happy and have sex and a happy life. And you are you. In jeans with your stomach hanging over the top, and a jumper you can’t afford to replace. And you’re standing fully clothed in your shower, and that’s not hot.
  27. Before they could fly they fell a lot. People probably thought they were mad. It must be hard for people to think you are mad when you know you are not. But there must be an element of madness, you must go through moments of believing you are mad, especially after all those falls.
  28. Falling over in pain. Emotional pain. A woman on TED was talking about acting. She said a story that she had been told by a couple. A bland couple. They came to her at a book signing. They said they had seen her in a show a few years ago. A Shakespeare play. They didn’t go to the theatre much. And they hated it. Because there was a scene when a woman’s son had died and she fell to the ground and wailed. Not a nice fall. Not a nice wail. A horrible wail. And they said they hated it. They thought it was unnesscascary and over done. And then a year later when the police came to the door and told them their daughter had been raped and murdered the man said : I hated it because I made that noise.
  29. Fallen leaves: its not summer anymore. Put on a jumper.
  30. Falling out of Love: Hating Iceland.


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